Harry and I dated about three and a half years ago. I believe he wanted a girlfriend. Being the commitment phobe that I am, I wanted someone to play with, but at the same time desperately wanting a boyfriend. I played my standard game, have some fun; if things looked liked it could go somewhere push him away. If he likes me, he’ll chase me, if he doesn’t then I’ve protected myself from being hurt.
Okay so here’s a run down of what happen last week. The writing in italics is my thought process.
Monday 13th August 22:39
Harry: Miss Vaughan
What does he want? Let me guess, I’ve been reading your blog and wanted to reach out or is it just an out of the blue catch up… I’m going with the blog, he’s going to say, “I’ve been following your blog and wanted to reach out to say I know what you’ve going through, I’ve been through something similar” and it’ll be really nice to hear from another friend that I’m not alone and that they understand.
Me: Harry
Harry: How the devil?
Me: Long time darling. I’m currently in the south of France, flying home tomorrow. How are you?
Harry: Oh lovely, where abouts are you? I am good thanks, going away with work for a bit next Tuesday so trying to find friends to play with whilst everyone else is at work ☹️
Huh, I was wrong, he want’s to catch up. Interesting… I wonder if he knows what I’ve been going through this past year?
Me: Near St. Tropeze
Me: Well I’m popping to London on Wednesday, if you’re around do you fancy a dog walk?
Dog walk is always a safe option. I have Ziggy with me, anxiety shouldn’t get to high.
Harry: Yeah of course a dog walk would be epic
Me: I should be in London by 3pm ish. You happy to come to my neck of the woods? We could do Holland Park or Hyde Park.
Harry: Yeah that sounds good
Harry: Which one is closer for you
Me: Holland Park, it’s opposite the house
Harry: That’s convenient isn’t it
Me: I know!
Yes, he’s coming to me. I don’t have to travel across London and worry about having an anxiety attack on the tube. Phew!
Harry: We know each other rather well wouldn’t you say?
Odd question, where’s this going? Back to the blog? Maybe he needs help buying an engagement ring – although why ask me, maybe because I’m far enough out of the circle she would never expect me helping?
Me: Yes, Why?
Harry: Are you seeing anyone? Yes. No. Hugo. Fuck! Why does yes, Hugo, still pop up. I’ve got to stop that! Just ignore the question, otherwise you’ll go on to explain your heartbreak/breakdown situ… Fuck sake woman, pull yourself together.
Me: I mean it’s been a few years, but you can’t have changed that much!!
Harry: No I like to think I am still charming as ever
Me: Haha good!
Harry: I have to admit my intentions may not be entirely pure
Harry: But I do love Ziggy
Me: What?
What is he talking about? His intentions aren’t pure. What does he want to do to Ziggy?
Harry: What do you mean what?
Me: I mean, what do you mean that your intentions aren’t pure and that you do love Ziggy? Stop beating around the bush and say what you mean
Just get it out already.
Harry: Well although Ziggy is epic, I was wondering whether you fancied an afternoon of debauchery
Haha he knows nothing. Sex terrifies me. Just the thought of shagging another man can make me cry.
Harry: Clearly not the drugs part
What’s he on about drugs?
Me: Harry you have a girlfriend
Harry: Erm no I don’t
Harry: We broke up like 5 months ago
Me: Oh darling I’m sorry to hear that
I know your pain, I understand it. It’s horrible. The worst. I’m so so sorry.
Harry: No don’t be, it’s honestly for the best and happened yonks ago
Five months is not yonks ago! Especially when you were together for three years. Poor girl.
Me: Look, let’s go for a walk on Wednesday, catch up and see where that takes us
Harry: Well that’s not a no
Me: It’s not a no but it’s also not a yes
It’s definitely a no. And you’ll run a mile as soon as you ask me, “What have you been up to? Haven’t seen you this past year? Been buys?” and I’ll tell you everything. I guess it’s a good way of turning “off” a man, tell him the truth and he’ll run a mile.
Harry: I guess I will take that… If all else fails I will have an epic afternoon with Ziggy
Harry: But I will hope for more… 😜
Uhhh that emoji, it's so cringy.
Me: Haha, you will definitely have an epic afternoon with Ziggy, that’s for sure!
Harry: Not with you? I remember that you could be frisky
That was the old me. I’ve changed, a lot. Flirting, my favourite thing, now scares me. Kissing someone, even Harry who I’ve kissed before, freaks me out. Sex, I know I’d just lie there crying.
Me: Now I need to sleep as I’m getting up at 4am to catch my flight home.
I guess you still have my number?
Harry: Yes
Harry: Do you have mine?
Me: Yes
Harry: Check you out
Harry: Saved for a rainy day
No. Haha. Nope. I don’t delete contacts. What’s the point?
Me: Haha something like that
Me: Goodnight Harry. See you Wednesday. XO
Harry: Have a safe flight my love
Harry: See you Wed
Harry: X
Wednesday 15th August 16:00
Harry came to my house with a box of strawberries and a bar of chocolate. He greeted me with a warm, familiar hug. I put them on the hall table, called Ziggy and we left for our walk. I don’t think we had even reached half way through Holland Park before I was explaining what had happened over the past year. We stopped at the café and sat outside, basking in the warmth of the sunshine and I had a couple of cigarettes to take the edge of my anxiety. Oh how the times have changed, I remember not kissing Harry on a night out once because he was smoking, now he doesn’t smoke and I started again after the break-up.
We had seen each other over the past three years but we hadn’t caught up like this before. I put my cards on the table, I told him I was heartbroken, sober and trying my best to get my life back on track. Harry seemed to understand, he told me he was sorry I had been going through this, he had no idea and if I ever needed someone to talk to, about anything, he said he’d be there. Harry said, even if he didn’t know what to say he is sure a picture of his man-gina would cheer me up – I’m not so sure...
Our walk ended back at my house, we had decided that we’d go out for dinner. I wanted to eat before my meditation class at 7pm, as it was nearing 6pm I thought we should get a move on. I stood up off the steps outside and was about to walk inside when Harry put his hand on my arm, turned me around and kissed me. Every thought and emotion that could run through my head did run through my head. A part of me wanted to scream and push him away, whilst another part just wanted to enjoy being wanted. I managed to bring some mindfulness back into my head and tell myself to just enjoy the moment. To live, in the moment. So I did. Instead of pushing him away so I could go to meditation, when Harry suggested a film, I suggest the cinema. A part of that was to protect myself so there would be no touchy feely going on on the sofa.
We walked the mile to Shepard’s Bush. This time I didn’t need a cigarette to ground me. I was using mindfulness. I, for perhaps the first time, was living in the moment. Not in the past and not in the future. I was there in the present.
We had an enjoyable dinner and because I was managing to stay in the present and be mindful, I wasn’t sick with anxiety like I normally am after eating. We went upstairs to the cinema and we decided to get a pick n mix. I felt like a child. Who knew picking out sweets could bring so much enjoyment. I got a little carried away, and filled it to the top to then only eat about six sweets before it got too sickly.
We held hands in the cinema, and I didn’t cringe, it felt like the right thing to do in the moment. It is bizarre, this whole living in the moment thing, something that I am so not use to doing. Being in that moment, there was no pain, no guilt or shame. Every time a negative thought rose up I saw it, acknowledged it and let it slip by. That is one of the great things I have learnt from meditation – let those thoughts float by; there is no need to hold onto them.
The film finished and as we were walking out I saw the most beautiful bunch of flowers (pictured above). Harry stole them for me. I’m undecided on whether I think that’s romantic or not. It reminds me of Ted stealing the blue French horn from a restaurant he took Robin to on their first date in How I Met Your Mother. Obviously not such a big gesture but weirdly kind of the same thing.
We walked home and Harry stayed the night. He offered to stay with friends but seeing as it was 11.45pm I didn’t think it was worth the hassle. We’ve dated before so sharing a bed wouldn’t be that strange. We stayed up late talking. Ziggy was not impressed that there was someone else in our bed. I couldn’t figure out if it was because Harry was in her space, on her side of the bed or if it was because she was use to Hugo being there and it felt like a betrayal. Being a dog, sadly I’ll never know what she was thinking. But it had me thinking. I shouldn’t feel guilty that there is someone else in my bed, it’s been a year and Hugo’s moved on. We spooned all night. I hadn’t realised how much I needed some human contact. There is only so much I can get from spooning Ziggy and I thought that was enough. It wasn’t until the next couple of days did I realise how much I needed that contact, that connection that you get when you’re wrapped in someone else’s body. So many endorphins are realised. All of that oxytocin that I haven’t felt in a year, when I think about it, that’s a long time. It’s a long time not to be hugged or touched. Oxytocin is a hormone that calms your nervous system and boosts positive emotions, perhaps this spooning session is why I’ve been feeling okay these past few days, I’ve managed to stay mindful and have avoided feeling too down. If that’s the case, which I think it is, I must say a big thank you to Harry. It’s also given me the idea that I need to hug more people, so if you fancy a 20-minute spoon session, give me a shout. I think 20 minutes of hugging a day will be good for me.
The next day, there was none of that awkward nonsense that I’m usually left with. In fact, Harry drove me to my acupuncture appointment, which was half an hour in the wrong direction for him. He’s a rather gallant gentleman old Harry. I think it’s safe to say that those 17 hours were probably the most peaceful, most mindfully in the present hours I have had over the past year.
I will never understand how someone can move on so quickly. Hugo was with Frances five months after me but my gut feeling tells me it was sooner than that. Harry moved on and has dated a couple of girls since and it’s only been five months. A girlfriend of mine started dating someone two months after her break up and one of my best friends is now engaged to his rebound that I introduced him to, two weeks after his break up.
Moving on quickly is something that I don’t think I’ll ever understand. Right now, I think a kiss is all I can handle. I wish I could understand how people can move on so quickly; I wish I could move on. A part of me knows that if I had stayed in London and carried on how I use to be instead of taking the time to look at myself and work on myself, then I would have moved on. I would’ve got drunk and slept around and had a great time. But I wouldn’t have healed. In the long run, I would still be hurting underneath, burying every emotion so deep that I wouldn’t have to look at it. Now, I don’t think I mind how long it takes as long as I do it right. I have to get it right. The pain is too much to face again. If I can learn to build upon these hours of living mindfully and being in the present moment then I’m winning. These hours will hopefully turn to days and those days to weeks and those weeks to months. And through living in the present and being mindful I will find happiness once again, I will find peace and contentment. I will survive and I will thrive.