I am moving to the States in less than a week. I wanted for so long to move away but that was me wanting to run away. If I had the money I would’ve done the trip of a lifetime and ridden back from Nepal, buying and selling horses in each country that I entered. As I couldn’t raise the money I needed I started looking for work aboard. I wanted a country that I could take Ziggy to; somewhere I could work with horses and learn a different way with them to how we do horses in this country. I was still running.
When I came back from Peru, I started riding out for a wonderful man and hunted weekly with him. It became a different type of therapy. I started to feel joy and peace within myself. I fell in love with the sport. It brought me into the now, hunting is an intensely alive state that is free of time, free of problems and free of thinking. Hunting brings me into the present moment like nothing else does.
I started to think that maybe I don’t need to go away for a year. So I started to look for jobs that were shorter, three to six months. I wanted to come back for the hunting season. It’s become my drug of choice. And to be honest, I’m a little lost without it. I had stopped running, this time I wanted to go to kick start me back into living, to working, to help find my independence.
Past me, old me, whichever you like to call her, used to know what I was doing every weekend for the next six months and most days too. I’m trying now, to listen to the universe and let that guide me, not plan too much, just wake up and see what the day brings. It’s hard and I sometimes struggle with not knowing. I recently crossed a boundary that I cannot come back from and it’s really thrown me. The universe has unknowingly been there for me, handing out distractions when I’ve needed them most and now I’m off to the States, which has come at perfect timing. What I’m struggling with is knowing if I’m going to return to the UK or stay in the States. It’s all rather job and then visa dependent. If I do come back, there is that part inside of me that just wants to know that I’ll have something to come home to. Not planning, listening to the universe and taking it one day at a time is a real challenge for me and it’s something I’m working on.
It’s twice now that I thought I would live in the countryside, have my own horses and live off the land and it’s twice that the universe has steered me away from that. I’m not sure if this is a test to see if I truly want that life or if it’s because I have other things to get on with to help me to grow until I am ready to live that life.
I guess what I’m trying to say as I write this is that nothing is permanent, life continuously changes and just when I thought I was on a good path, the universe shook it up and said nope, keep moving, lack of movement leads to death. I shall move on. I shall let go. It is time to move on – but what if I don’t want to let go?