It’s My Birthday And I’ll Cry If I Want To
Urgh birthdays, I am not a fan. Full of surprises, which I usually dislike and people expect you to be happy, grateful and full of joy, which I rarely am. And then there are presents. Never as many as when I was little (obviously), then there are the things that I expect to get and then don’t, and even the ones I do love I’m awkward with because I just don’t know how to show gratitude. But at the same time I know that if I didn’t get any presents, I’d also be unhappy. It’s a no win, a lose-lose, and I feel guilty and ashamed for even talking about it but that’s just how I feel.
In the past on my birthday I’d party and drown my sorrows, of course nobody knew I was miserable because I would put on my mask and show everyone my fun side. For a few birthdays, I would retreat to the countryside and I would hide away or spend it with a couple that are like second parents to me and then I would celebrate once I was back in London and get horribly drunk.
Last year was going to be different. Last year I had organised a birthday dinner. It was going to be grown up, it was going to be civilised. I had just started a diet to help re-boot my gut and had been given permission to have a couple of glasses of wine. This, for once, wasn’t going to be my typical messy birthday. I had Hugo and I had calmed down. I didn’t need to wear my masks as often, Hugo had helped me to see that I didn’t need them, that I could be me and people would love me for me and not for the me that I thought everyone wanted me to be.
Last year, the evening before my birthday I had a horse fall on top of me. I spent my birthday in bed, alone and uncomfortable with a concussion and various other injuries. No birthday party. This year, I feel that last year is repeating itself. I went riding yesterday and the 4yr old, which has come to me for training, dumped me for the first time. When I landed I rolled over and screamed into the earth, anger had engulfed me. All of last year’s emotions came flooding back. I was furious with myself and I felt alone, oh so alone. The pain from where my body hit the ground was running through my body, but it wasn’t the pain from the fall it was emotional pain cruising through my veins. I hobbled the few miles home; the horse had buggered off and I cried while thinking how could I be so stupid to put myself in the same situation as last year? I now believe that it’s all happening again. But Hugo has already left so what could possibly happen in seven days time that’s worse than that?
Horses are incredible animals. Their intuition is powerful. When I finally caught up with him, he looked just as scared and alone as I did. I think he sensed how alone I was feeling even before I knew I felt alone and he didn’t want to be around those feelings so dumped me and ran back to find his friends. Quite clever if you ask me. Certainly not the kindest thing to do but if you don’t want to be around those feelings and emotions then why stick around?
I, thankfully, had a reiki appointment yesterday after the accident and was told that sometimes we need that physical pain to be able to let go of the emotional pain we’re holding onto. I hope that nothing bad will happen in seven days time and this has just been some weird coincidence that has happened to help me let go of these emotions. I’m not sure how I’d cope if something else went wrong in my life.
It's my birthday and I'm feeling pretty sore and pretty sad, however, this year I have to say I feel overwhelmed by all of the lovely messages people have sent me. I still get lonely no matter how many people surround me but today I feel a little less lonely and a little more loved. Thank you.