This day one year ago my life changed. The man I love walked away. Not because he didn't love me anymore but because he got scared that things were moving to quickly, he assumed things about us that weren’t true, and he ran. He runs every two years, moving country or county and will continue to run until he faces himself. I believed him when he said he had stopped running, that he had found a home in me.
I became collateral damage.
I suffered a server break down after Hugo broke up with me. My life torn apart. My future taken away. My dreams destroyed. I watched my whole world fall apart and all I could do was stare blankly.
I still remember so clearly the picture I posted on Instagram in the morning before Hugo broke up with me; the picture read, "Today is a good day". About a month before this day I had noticed a peacefulness that came over me, I had found the right person for me and I just knew that whatever happened Hugo was the person that I was going to be with.
Hugo, you gave me the best gift. You left. You left and didn’t come back no matter how much I cried and still cry. No matter how much you cried. No matter how many times I got in the car only to turn around before getting to your house. No matter how many times I screamed that you were killing me. No matter how many times I threatened you were making a mistake. No matter how many times you thought so too. No matter how much I hated seeing you move on with her. No matter how many unsaid words floated between us in email drafts and almost phone calls. You gave me the best gift. You broke my heart. You left. And you stayed gone. And I want to thank you for that. For as painful as it was and still is, had you not broken up with me I would not have spent the past year learning about myself. Learning that I can say no, that I have choice, that I do not have to be a people pleaser, that I can do what I want. Learning how fucked up my family is and building new relationships with them.
“All I can ever be to you
Is a darkness that we knew
And this regret I’ve got accustomed to.”
– Amy Winehouse, Tears Dry On Their Own
I have found my voice and instead of hiding my mental ill health I can now speak out about it. For years I hid that there was something wrong with me, I feared showing my vulnerability, I couldn't bear the thought of showing someone, anyone my weakness. The thought of telling someone that I had to take drugs to get through my day was too scary. I hadn’t noticed how much the drugs numbed me, how foggy my brain was on them and ignoring the many many other side effects I had because I took them.
I'm now off my antidepressants and it hurts. I feel everything. My emotions are raw. Gone are the days of burying them. I am no longer an ostrich with my head in the sand. There are days when I hate that I can feel so much and other days when I rejoice that I can feel an emotion.
I have learnt that I am a sensitive soul, a unique beautiful being. That life is not perfect but messy. And I am a beautiful person just temporarily insane.
I want to say Fuck You Hugo for that pain you bought upon me was unbearable at times. But I got through it. I have survived a year. I fought my inner demons and I am still alive. I may not be strong now, but I will rise. And you, you will regret having left my side. Those last few words are want I want to say but instead I shall say Thank you. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to become me. I may not be whole now, but I am heading in the right direction. I will beat this.
I have a strong support system and people who love me. I doubt it at times but I was reminded last week when my friends gathered together to surprised me for a birthday dinner.
What I am learning on this journey is that life is a rollercoaster, especially in your twenties. Last year, I was starting to think that I finally had my life figured out, that I was, for once in my life doing what I wanted to do, not what my parents or anyone else wanted me to do. I had started a new career, I was doing something that I loved and I was in love with the most extraordinary man. It was short lived. Too good to be true. I am now back living in my childhood bedroom, sharing a house with my parents and driving myself crazy. I have a temporary job, but most days when I try to go in, I suffer with extreme anxiety, if I manage to leave the house and get to work I tend to break down before I walk through the doors of the building. It’s not ideal but it’s something else that I have to learn to overcome.
This rollercoaster ride is very much one and a half steps forward and one step back, sometimes two. It is tough. But I’d like to think that I’ve made it through the worst of it. There are now days where I can see a crack of light through the darkness. Ziggy and my horses certainly bring light into my life.