I Can Do It and So Can You
The last couple of weeks have been a little non-stop. Two weeks ago Ziggy had her first litter of puppies. I slept either on the floor next to her or on the sofa about a meter and a half away from her. It’s safe to say I didn’t sleep much that week.
The birth went well and she’s had five beautiful healthy puppies, four boys and a girl. (If you’re interested in seeing #pupdates follow them on Ziggy’s Instagram account: @puppyziggystardust
On Saturday night I organsied a charity ball. I spent the week leading up to it, cleaning out our barn, cutting down Christmas trees, holly, ivy and fir; sweeping, moping, setting tables, sorting out the sound system. As you can imagine, it was pretty tiring. But I wanted to do. I had to do it. There was a part of me, the part that used to be a PA that wanted to come out and play. I had to prove to myself that even though I am in recovery and certainly daily tasks can be difficult and overwhelming, I can be strong and create something like this.
It took everything I had. It used all of my energy. But afterwards I was not lying in a heap on my bathroom floor crying my eyes out like I have done in the past. I woke early on Sunday morning, having had 3.5 hours sleep, and had one hell of a hangover, which is incredibly unfair seeing as I don’t drink! Once all of my friends had left (I had a house party of people staying), and I had done a load of tidying, I collapsed in a heap on the sofa in front of the telly for an hour. I had Ziggy’s husband Ernie’s owner, my friend Zanna, come and look at the puppies that our dogs had made. We spent well over an hour, sitting in the whelping box, catching up and cuddling puppies. That was pretty good self-care. Once Zanna had left and I had fed the horses and dogs I went upstairs and drew a bubble bath. I lit candles, put on a series that I’m watching, opened a bag of popcorn and a bar of chocolate and soaked in the bath for 45 mins before heading to bed. I am mastering self-care. My mother kindly said that she’d feed Ziggy for me in the morning. I slept for 11 hours, something I have not done in a long time.
This party has showed me that I can do it. I can have fun. I can organize things. I am capable of more then I think I am. I was determined to do it. And yes it was not perfect – the heating broke so everyone froze their tits off until the dancing started. And a bunch of people turn up 40 mins early – who the hell does that?! But it was a success and I raised some money for a good cause.
It has given me a little confidence boost for the social events that’ll happen over the Christmas period. I can and I will get through them. It is almost a relief, like a weight has been lifted that I did this. I could be vulnerable and I could ask for help, both things that I have struggled with in the past and sometimes I still do. My friends supported me, even though not all of them know what I have gone through this past year but they were there for me and helped whenever I needed it nonetheless.
I wanted to share this for those of you who want to do something but are worried that you’ll fail because of the state that you’re currently in. You may not be as strong as you once were but if there is that part of you that wants to come out and play, let it. Don’t push it down and ignore it. Don’t doubt yourself, because you are stronger then you believe and you have a power in you that is greater than you can imagine. You’ve got this. Say it with me. It is time to start believing in yourself again.